


The First Officer's Personal Log

by muldy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Love Triangles, Post-Endgame, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-11-17 08:19:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11271594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muldy/pseuds/muldy
Summary: Left alone in his new quarters back on Earth, Seven comes across something she knows she shouldn't read - Chakotay's Personal Log from their time on Voyager. Trying her best to ignore it she eventually caves and finds some information she didn't really want to know about his feelings for their Captain.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Seven took a seat at the table, glancing around. The quarters were adequate for one person, not made for two. They were temporary quarters, but Chakotay had offered to let her stay there for the time being, despite her having her own quarters assigned to her.

She had literally never spent time alone and one night into staying in her quarters had sent her into a panic, despite knowing hundreds of others lived in the same building.

Now he was off at some Starfleet Officer debrief with Captain Janeway and she was alone again.

Trying her best to avoid the panic she picked up a nearby PADD. Perhaps analysing some logs from Voyager would be of use to someone, and a welcome distraction for her.

The first PADD seemed to only have information regarding botany discovered on their journey. Not entirely sure why Chakotay would have it, she put it back down. Botany was of no real interest to her.

The next one she couldn’t quite figure out. Scrolling through the information she couldn’t find any correlation between the data in each entry.

Then she realised.

This was his personal log.

She almost put it down, but stopped as she read one sentence.

_…understand that the hardest part is not being back on board Voyager, but trying to hide my feelings for her._

That peaked her interest.

She glanced at the Stardate, curious if the entry could possibly be about her. She knew that it was her who had chased him, rather than the other way around, but perhaps he had felt something beforehand.

Seeing the Stardate put that thought out of her mind.

She put the PADD down. This was none of her business. She grabbed another one. This related to geological findings in their first two years. That was of far more interest to her.

For about ten minutes she attempting to analyse the data, but her mind kept wandering back to his personal log.

Who had he had feelings for?

There was a logical answer, but he had insisted that their relationship was purely a professional one. That they were close because of their need to get their respective crews home to the Alpha Quadrant.

She was surely misunderstanding the situation.

Perhaps if she just read the one entry she would feel better.

She picked it up, knowing she still had time before he returned to not get caught reading.

 

* * *

 

_Stardate 49690.1_

_I have never seen the need for a personal log on this journey before. I like to experience time as it happens and remember it for what it was. I don’t dwell on the past and I couldn’t possibly imagine any future. This is entirely unexplored territory._

_However, since returning to Voyager I have been lost. I have tried meditating, tried speaking to my spirit guide, but alas nothing has worked._

_So I thought I would do as she does, and write a log. A personal one, for no one else to see._

_She asked me today how I was doing. I think I understood what her real meaning was, although I don’t want to make any assumptions. Perhaps I was only an option because there were no other options._

_After asking she quickly answered my question for me, as though afraid of how I might actually answer. Or maybe because she thought that was actually my issue._

_‘It seems dark and grey up here in space doesn’t it? After all that time spent around greenery.’_

_I’m not sure how to make her understand that the hardest part is not being back on board Voyager, but trying to hide my feelings for her._

_I had entirely accepted that we may be spending the rest of our lives on that planet, and I believe with all my heart that in the days before our rescue she had done the same. I could see the change, from the moment I told her what she meant to me, everything was different._

_The part I’m really struggling to forget is the look on her face the moment we heard Tuvok’s voice. I guess in my usual way I accepted it as a fact, and tried to hide my disappointment. Perhaps I failed, but her face said it all, that the reality she had just accepted as her future had been ripped away from her and she would have to pretend like nothing had ever happened between us._

_She didn’t say a word as we packed. Not one. I tried to make conversation, but she seemed unable to face that it was over._

_It was strange, given that she was the one who had insisted on the parameters to begin with._

_And then she broke my heart by climbing into my bed after dark and crying as I held her. I wanted to tell her it wasn’t over, not for me, that we could still be whatever we had become. I wanted her to understand that my love for her hadn’t started when we reached that planet, and wouldn’t end just because we were leaving it._

_But when I woke in the morning she had on her Starfleet uniform, and everything was as it had been before we were infected with that damn virus._

_She was my Captain and I was her Commander._

_She didn’t even look at me as we made our way back onto the bridge._

_I have to admit, that hurt._

_Things seem okay now, back to the way they were before, but I can’t shake it. I can’t pretend that nothing ever happened, that I don’t love her with all my soul. I don’t know how to do that anymore, but I also don’t think her mind will ever be changed._

_So here I am, talking to a personal log._

_It’s probably better if I erase this, although a part of me wants to keep it, to remind myself that it was real. It did happen._

_Perhaps I’ll feel better now._

_End personal log._

* * *

 

She placed the PADD carefully back on the table. Torn. She knew it was wrong to read his personal log, the Doctor had told her how humans preferred their privacy, but she also felt like she needed to know. This was years in the past, perhaps he was past it, perhaps it was just a moment they had shared and moved on from.

She couldn’t analyse the data properly without having more information.

She picked the PADD up again.

Just one more log should answer her question.

Right?

 

* * *

 

_Stardate 50384.2_

_I thought my need for this log would be over after my last (and first) entry. Unfortunately it seems I was wrong. A lot has happened since my last entry, although most of that can be found in my First Officer’s Log._

_I return to my personal log today to tell myself what an idiot I’m being._

_Last night I received a call from her, stating that Q had been in her quarters with a personal request._

_A personal request? At night? In her quarters?_

_I know it shouldn’t be an issue. I had convinced myself that I was able to deal with us not being together, but apparently I’m not able to deal with the idea of her being with someone else._

_Judging by her instructions to me, it wasn’t a welcomed request, but it’s now 0400 and I have been lying awake since my shift ended imagining all sorts of scenarios where he’s returned to her and she’s agreed to –_

_I know. It’s stupid. She is a grown adult woman who is allowed to do whatever and whomever she pleases, without my permission. I guess I had always hoped that if she decided to be with someone that it would be me._

_Perhaps that was egotistical of me._

_Or perhaps I am fretting over nothing._

_I choose to believe the second, maybe then I can have some sleep._

_I have never before felt jealousy and I sincerely hope I never feel it again._

_It’s an extremely unpleasant emotion._

* * *

 

 

_Stardate 50384.2_

_Twice in one day. Now I know I have a problem. But perhaps I am not so wrong in my assumptions about our relationship._

_I accidentally brought it up._

_I didn’t intend to come off as a crazy jealous person, I merely wanted to express my concern that Q was up to no good. Then the words just came out of my mouth. It bothers the hell out of me? That’s what I had to say?_

_And of course Q interrupted me to point out that I was jealous, as though it wasn’t already obvious to everyone involved._

_And then she denied there being anything between us._

_In less than a minute it went from us being alone, me making a fool of myself, to her denying having any kind of feelings for me at all._

_Even through her denial, her words echoed in my head. ‘Oh, Chakotay’. Like I am some pathetic puppy that she needs to feel sorry for. Which I have to admit felt a hell of a lot better than what came next._

_Perhaps I really am just a First Officer to her._

_I didn’t think it was possible to lie to a Q._

_They’re all knowing aren’t they?_

_And he pointed out my feelings, but seemed to have no comment on hers. Perhaps because she has none?_

_I guess he can see me now, he’s most likely laughing at me._

_I hate to admit it, but today I felt just a little pathetic for feeling the way that I do._

_I wonder if I should take a step back, if it would be better were someone else her First Officer. But then there’s no one else that I would trust to do the job._

_I know that I will protect her with my life, no matter what._

_Kathryn Janeway is everything to me._

_End personal log._

* * *

 

Seven put the PADD down for real this time, beginning to understand.

This hadn’t been a moment in his life.

Their Captain was his life.

A noise alerted her to the fact he was about to enter their quarters. Sliding the PADD into a nearby bag, she picked up the Geology one and pretended to be engrossed in that, although her mind was still trying to process the information she had just discovered.

‘That was an unnecessarily long day,’ he sighed as the door closed behind him.

She forced a smile, but knew it didn’t reach her eyes. ‘Did you still wish to go out for dinner?’

‘Actually I was thinking we could just replicate a pizza and get an early night, if that’s okay?’ he replied.

‘That will be adequate, although at some point I would like to taste actual Earth cuisine,’ she placed the Geology PADD on the table.

He picked it up. ‘Are you interested in rocks now?’

‘I am interested in anything that can be analysed for my entertainment,’ she replied. ‘I have no connections to anyone on this planet and no purpose to serve.’

‘Kathryn has the day off tomorrow,’ he commented, walking towards the replicator. ‘You could call her and maybe she can show you around?’

‘No thank you. I’m sure the _Captain_ would like a day off,’ Seven replied, a little too fast. ‘I have plenty of research to keep myself occupied here.’

He turned to her, cottoning on to something being wrong.

‘Is everything okay?’ he asked cautiously.

‘Everything is fine,’ she responded.

She picked up the PADD again and continued reading until he turned his attention back to the Replicator.

Although she knew it was wrong, she needed to finish reading his personal log. She needed to understand exactly why he had chosen her over the Captain, or if he had really chosen her at all.


	2. Chapter 2

 

They ate breakfast mostly in silence, she tried to avoid making eye contact but she could feel him watching her. He didn’t ask what was wrong, she had already shut down any line of questioning the night before.

She wasn’t sure how she felt, she wasn’t use to these types of emotions and she needed more information before she could analyse the situation.

He left, wishing her a good day with a light kiss and the moment he was gone she went straight to her bag, pulling out the PADD containing his Personal Log.

She opened the next file available and almost immediately wished she hadn’t.

 

* * *

 

 

_Stardate 50518.6_

_I thought I lost her today. One moment we were joking, having fun, as usual when it’s just the two of us, things were a little too comfortable._

_The next moment she’s injured, dying in my arms._

_I have never been so terrified in my life. I tried to get her back, performed CPR on her and then I watched the life drain from her._

_I don’t even know what to do now._

_They saw it, when the others arrived I had tears streaming down my face and I refused to let go of her the entire journey back, despite the fact she managed to fight off the alien invader that had taken over her brain without any help from me._

_The Doctor’s ‘Commander, is everything alright? Are you hurt? You seem to be in great pain.’ line of questioning hadn’t gone unnoticed by her either._

_Her eyes had locked with mine the moment he said it and I saw it._

_She seemed to know exactly what I was feeling at that moment and I wonder if maybe she saw more than she was letting on before the others showed up._

_I heard the whispers as we came back on board. Perhaps I still had tear streaks on my face, perhaps I walked a little too close to her, or perhaps I had loitered a suspiciously long time in sickbay, waiting to make sure that she was okay._

_I didn’t know how to explain to her the fear I had felt, thinking she was going to die, so I brought her a rose. I saw the look Tom Paris and Harry Kim exchanged as I passed them with a rose in hand, but I didn’t care._

_That’s the thing._

_I don’t care if everyone knows anymore._

_And I’m not sure she does either._

_We spent the evening on the Holodeck, sailing Lake George in the moonlight with champagne and talked about our childhoods. I’m not sure how that’s meant to count as just friendship? She almost died in my arms today and then when I bring her a rose she suggests a sailing trip? (Albeit a fake one)._

_I couldn’t help but ask her if this had anything to do with the trip we had never taken on New Earth._

_Perhaps I should have known better than to bring up that topic, but all I could think was how I almost lost her and how I had felt my heart being ripped from my chest as I held her, helpless to do anything._

_And I guess I wanted to bring up the topic of New Earth because it meant we had to talk about us._

_Or at least that’s what I had hoped._

_Because I so need her to understand that I’m not over it. I won’t ever be over it._

_She spoke finally and I can’t shake her words._

_‘I’ve not stopped dreaming of what that trip would have been like. This was the closest thing I could find available in the Holodeck programs. I searched them all.’_

_I almost kissed her at that moment. Maybe it was the fact she had managed to dig up actual champagne bottle, not a synthehol one (something about escaping the jaws of death being worth the real thing), or maybe it was just the mention of New Earth, sitting alone on a boat under the moonlight, but for a moment it felt like the right thing to do._

_But she didn’t turn to look at me and I couldn’t bring myself to take that leap._

_After all, she had invited me onto the boat, if she wanted to kiss me she would make it known._

_Then she reached out and took my hand, squeezing it lightly._

_And she thanked me for saving her life._

_And then she didn’t let go of my hand._

_Saying goodnight to her tonight without begging her to stay with me was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and sitting in my quarters now it’s taking all of my energy not to get up and go to her._

_The only thing stopping me is the fear she would turn me away._

_I’m not sure I could walk onto that bridge each morning knowing she didn’t love me._

_At least this way I can at least pretend she does._

_End Personal Log_

* * *

 

 

She didn’t even take a break between logs this time, any pretence that she wasn’t intending to read the whole thing had flown out the window by now.

His love for Captain Janeway was somewhat romantic, and although her hope that he harboured such feelings for her as well was quickly fading, she found it interesting to understand him better.

Despite it all, she still had feelings for him.

She guessed the feeling in the pit of her stomach as she opened the next report was what humans referred to as ‘jealousy’.

Then she read the first words and all thoughts of jealousy disappeared as she realised what was about to happen…

 

* * *

 

 

_Stardate 50984.3_

_The Borg._

_After the Cardassians, they’re my least favourite species I’ve encountered. And here we are, in Borg Space._

_I hope that we can manage to slip by them without consequence, but I know it won’t be the case._

_Although all of this can go in my First Officer’s Log, there is one thing that cannot._

_I’m concerned about Kathryn. She didn’t eat today and when I made the suggestion that we have dinner together she brushed me aside, saying she had too much work to do. I wonder if I should begin bringing her dinners to her Ready Room so she can’t avoid them._

_The thing is, we could be in Borg Space for years of our journey, and she’s already gone into panic mode._

_Not that she would allow the rest of the crew to see it, but I can see straight through her._

_Knowing getting her to eat would be a challenge, I tried for the second option._

_Making her laugh._

_That one worked._

_And then she had said something I never thought I would hear her say._

_‘Three years ago I didn’t even know your name. Today I can’t imagine a day without you.’_

_I didn’t even have a way to respond to that. It’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me and I honestly couldn’t think of any appropriate response._

_But I feel like that was my chance, that if Tuvok hadn’t interrupted maybe she would have finally let her walls drop completely and maybe…_

_I guess there’s no point dwelling on a moment that never happened._

_But I can’t pretend it didn’t almost happen._

_I need to find a way to show her she means as much to me._

_I’ve been considering a present, a pocket watch, based on a Captain in the British Navy. Perhaps I will work on Replicating one for her birthday. Maybe then she’ll understand how much I…_

 

* * *

 

 

She couldn’t handle reading another moment, placing the PADD back down. She had the overwhelming need to leave.

 

* * *

 

 

The Doctor seemed only slightly surprised to see her.

‘Seven? What are you doing here?’

‘I reside here on Earth, like the rest of Voyager’s crew for the time being,’ she responded, walking into the Sick Bay he had been assigned to. ‘Is it not strange now that you’ve left Voyager for you to have quarters and a workplace like the rest of us?’

‘Are you insinuating I’m not worthy of such things?’ he replied, offended.

She hesitated. ‘I guess I was. I apologise. It was inconsiderate.’

She walked over to the examination table and took a seat. He followed her, furrowing his brown and tilting his head to look at her.

‘Are you here for a check-up?’ he asked. ‘Your Medical files all came back entirely normal.’

‘I feel pain in my chest,’ she commented. ‘I want you to fix it.’

He picked up his tricorder and began scanning her.

She watched him, there was something in his face.

‘You do not believe me,’ she realised.

He looked up at her, surprised. ‘Well the scans say there’s nothing wrong with you.’

‘Then perhaps I am mistaken,’ she stood up, but he held a hand out to her arm, pushing her back down on the table.

‘Perhaps what you require is a friend, not a doctor?’

She paused.

He was right, of course, she had come to him as a friend, not as a Doctor, but she wasn’t entirely sure how to tell him her reasoning.

‘I believe Chakotay is in love with Captain Janeway and that I am making a fool of myself attempting a relationship with him.’

The Doctor looked surprised. Perhaps she had been too blunt. She filed that away for future reference – build up to topics slower. Do not go straight to the point. Not even with the Doctor.

‘Ah.’

It wasn’t the response she wanted. What she had wanted was for him to laugh, to tell her not to be ridiculous, that jealousy was all part of human relationships and that she had completely imagined it all.

His entire Personal Log.

Just made it all up in her head.

‘And what gives you that idea?’ the Doctor asked.

She pulled the PADD out and handed it to him.

‘Seven!’ he exclaimed, pushing it back to her. ‘Does Chakotay know that you have this?’

‘No, but he left it in a public place for me to find,’ she stated. ‘I did not think it was meant to be secret and I was looking for scientific data to analyse. This has been rather difficult for me to process as I do not quite understand human emotions yet. However, it seems that every post in this log revolves around the Captain.’

‘Then perhaps it’s Chakotay you should be discussing this with? Not me.’

She slumped, only slightly, but suddenly the Doctor looked concerned.

‘Seven…did you never notice it before?’ he asked.

‘Notice what?’ she replied.

‘Chakotay and Captain Janeway…they have a…connection,’ he said carefully.

‘I did, but after three years I came to the conclusion that I must have misunderstood the situation as they were obviously not in a relationship with each other,’ she admitted. ‘Is it normal human behaviour to avoid admitting to romantic feelings for seven years?’

‘It is when one of those people is – ‘

The door to his office opened and the one person Seven really didn’t want to see entered the room, a broad smile on her face.

‘Seven! What a lovely surprise,’ Kathryn Janeway smiled upon seeing her.

Seven immediately turned back to the doctor, speaking quietly. ‘The pain is getting worse.’

‘Excuse me, Captain, I need to assist Seven with this issue privately, then I will happily speak with you,’ the Doctor said hurriedly.

‘Not a problem!’ Janeway smiled, exiting the room. ‘I’ll be waiting just outside.’

Seven watched her. Not only did her chest hurt, but her stomach, her head and there was some strange pulling sensation across her shoulders, like someone was stretching and compacting them at the same time.

She began to panic.

What an irrational, illogical emotion. She hated it, but she couldn’t make it stop as it started taking her over.

‘Calm down, Seven,’ the Doctor placed a hand lightly on her shoulder. ‘I’m going to give you something to relax you, but this will keep happening if you don’t deal with the problem. And perhaps you need to stop reading the Personal Log…’

She agreed with him, but she wasn’t going to.

She needed to know if anything changed after her arrival on Voyager.

She had to.

But first she had to find a way out of the room without seeing Janeway again.


	3. Chapter 3

 

* * *

 

‘Seven! How are you finding life on Earth?’

The genuine smile on the Captain’s face, her warm inviting outstretched hand, for a moment Seven was almost glad to see her friend.

Then a moment later she felt like someone had punched her in the gut, as she repeated all of Chakotay’s words on a loop in her mind. Somehow it felt at that moment like she had remember every word she had read in intense details, and she couldn’t find a way to open her mouth and respond.

Some strange, illogical, part of her brain wanted to go back to the Doctor, lock the door and remain there until the Captain left.

But that wasn’t how she worked.

The part of her mind that had been Borg for so long kept reminding her that her emotions were futile, that none of this mattered and it would be easier to simply just reply ‘Good’ and walk on out of there, no questions asked.

Unfortunately, her mind was so torn about how to react that she found it impossible to move.

Never in her life had she felt genuinely frozen in one spot and she hated it.

‘Is everything alright?’ the Captain asked, lightly touching her arm, concern plastered on her face.

Seven pulled her arm away.

‘How have humans achieved anything with such little ability to use logic?’ Seven said.

That’s not what she had intended to say.

Janeway’s eyebrows shot up. ‘I believe we proved this to you when you first came on board. It’s our differences and abilities to work together that make us who we are.’

‘Yet emotions have a physical effect on your bodies. Why?’ she questioned, frowning.

She genuinely didn’t understand. How come she couldn’t put away the feelings she was having and just function as normal, and deal with them in her own time? It wasn’t as though she was dealing with a death or torture.

She was simply trying to process and understand some new information regarding the object of her affection. It should be simple.

‘I’m not sure, I’m not very good at biology, psychology or neuroscience,’ Janeway laughed. ‘Although I have definitely had my moments of letting emotions win.’

‘With Chakotay?’ Seven questioned without thought.

She felt her eyes go very wide.

She hadn’t meant to question the Captain about Chakotay, that wasn’t what she was supposed to ask. How come the words she was thinking and the words she was saying weren’t matching? She had lost all control over her ability to function or hold a conversation and –

Janeway’s smile disappeared instantly and Seven felt uncomfortable as she felt the Captain’s eyes probing hers, looking for something.

‘Excuse me?’ she probed.

‘I am struggling with having an emotional relationship with Chakotay.’

There was no chance that her cover up was going to work. She was a terrible liar, although this wasn’t exactly a lie, it wasn’t what she had meant.

Yet it seemed to work.

She watched the Captain’s face change. Her eyes dropped to the floor, a slight flush became present in her cheeks and she clasped her hands together as her jaw tightened.

‘Yes he had mentioned that the two of you were seeing each other,’ she said, her eyes snapped back up to meet Seven’s.

Then she saw it.

Her own emotions mirrored in the eyes of the woman in front of her.

She observed as Janeway took a deep breath and forced a smile onto her face.

‘I do need to see the Doctor now, but if you need to talk about anything, you know where to find me,’ she said quietly.

And with that she was gone.

Seven felt the relief flow through her, for a moment just enjoying the fact that she was alone again.

Then a nagging feeling started tugging at her insides, churning her stomach around.

It wasn’t only Chakotay who had feelings for the Captain.

The Captain also had feelings for him.

 

* * *

 

 

She sat down on the bench along the beachfront, staring out at the water. It was the only calm place she had been able to find in a hurry and she was entirely unfamiliar with this planet and how to travel from one place to another.

For a few minutes she simply sat, watching the view, trying to focus entirely on that.

But Janeway’s expression kept haunting her.

She opened her bag and pulled out the PADD. No longer did she think it was going to improve her mood in any way, but perhaps it would at least explain to her why things had happened the way they had.

It loaded right back up to the spot she had stopped at.

 

* * *

 

 

_I’ve been considering a present, a pocket watch, based on a Captain in the British Navy. Perhaps I will work on Replicating one for her birthday. Maybe then she’ll understand how much I would do for her, how she is my world._

_I’m going to do that now._

_I know I’ve written it in here before, but I need to find a way for her to understand my love for her. I don’t need us to have a sexual relationship, although I would give anything for that, but I need her to know how I feel because this emotion I have built up inside of me, the combination of love and lust and absolute adoration I have for her is eating me alive and it’s killing me._

_I feel like if I just told her, if she could just know, I would be relieved of that burden._

_I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’._

 

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Stardate 51003.7_

_‘You lack harmony. Cohesion. Greatness. It will be your undoing.’_

_I wanted to throw that damn Borg out of the airlock at that moment, but not because she was wrong. Because she was right and I knew it._

_I have never before so directly and completely ignored an order from Kathryn. The look on her face when she saw me enter the sickbay, knowing I had betrayed her, I’ll never forget it. And then she said those words._

_‘You never trusted me, you never believe this would work, you were just waiting for an opportunity to circumvent my orders.’_

_I have never felt as terrible in my life as I did today, realising that Kathryn thought I didn’t trust her, that I was waiting to betray her._

_And strangely thanks to Seven of Nine we realised that we had to work together and we succeeded. But I couldn’t shake those words. ‘You never trusted me’._

_I still entirely disagree with her decisions regarding the Borg, but I’ll trust her decisions for the rest of my life, whether I agree with them or not. Because she was right. We’re all safe._

_So I went to her. I needed her to understand. And she did. As always somehow we can’t stay mad with each other, although it wasn’t an easy conversation, when we returned to the Bridge everything felt back to normal._

_Shift ended as usual and I returned to my quarters, she remained in her Ready Room, saying she needed some time to think. Then an hour or so later she appeared at my door with a bottle of wine and invited herself into my quarters._

_I have to say, I’m not used to having company in my quarters anymore and it was lovely, although I wasn’t quite sure why she was there._

_Three glasses of wine in she told me._

_She spoke quietly and avoided my gaze._

_‘Chakotay. Today was the worst day I have had in the Delta Quadrant. I thought you didn’t trust me and that hurt, more than all the physical pain I was in. And I need to know, do you trust me?’_

_‘Always.’_

_She looked at me as I said it and I thought perhaps it had been the wrong thing to say. Maybe I should have said more?_

_Then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, letting her lips linger there a moment too long, her hand on my arm._

_And by the time I was able to breathe again she was gone._

_End Personal Log_

 

* * *

 

 

‘Ma’am, are you okay?’

Seven looked up to see a random Starfleet officer looking down at her. He was young, probably a cadet, and looked extremely concerned.

‘I am fine,’ she responded, short with him.

It was only after the kid left that she realised she was crying, tears streaming down her face.

And she wasn’t sure if she was upset for her, or for Chakotay.

Because every word she read was breaking her heart in every way.

 

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! Life totally got in the way last week, how dare it. Doesn't it know I have fiction to write?

‘Kathryn says you ran into each other at the Doctor’s today?’

He placed dinner on the table between them and took a seat, smiling at her as he did so. How could he pretend like everything was just okay? She couldn’t quite grasp his ability to sit opposite her and talk about the Captain like there had never been anything between the two of them. Like she was the only woman in his life.

Was this normal human behaviour?

‘Do you always communicate with Captain Janeway prior to returning home?’ Seven questioned.

She was more curious then anything, but he frowned as he looked back at her.

‘Not always,’ he spoke carefully. ‘Seven, I know you don’t want to discuss it but if there’s something wrong…’

‘Did you want children?’

The shock on his face was the loudest silent reaction she had ever seen from a human. He also seemed to lose his ability to move or speak for a few moments.

Perhaps she had jumped into the topic too quickly.

‘I’m sorry?’ he asked, putting down his fork, seemingly suddenly uninterested in his food.

‘Did you want to have children?’ she asked bluntly.

He looked at her, confused. ‘Seven, we’ve only been together a couple of months…’

‘Perhaps I was unclear. I wasn’t suggesting that we procreate at this moment, I was merely curious why you would want to be with me? The only logical explanations I could think of were my looks and my age, therefore my appeal as a mate to procreate with…’

The shock and confusion seemed to disappear from his face and he narrowed his eyes at her, trying to figure out why she was asking these questions.

‘Well…’ he hesitated. ‘I enjoy your company.’

‘But you do not love me,’ she felt her heart break as she said it.

Why had she started this line of conversation?

‘Seven, this is all still very new to you, perhaps you need to talk to someone who can help you understand how relationships work…’ he smiled, reaching out across the table and attempting to take her hand.

She pulled it away, not wanting physical contact with him in that moment.

‘You are avoiding answering my question,’ she responded.

‘I’m not ready to answer that question,’ he said quietly. ‘And it’s okay for people to take time with these things. Have you been watching romance films with Tom or something?’

‘No.’

Her answer was blunt and she knew it put him off, which was what she wanted. She may have started the line of conversation, but she didn’t really want it to continue anymore. She knew what she actually wanted to ask him and all of her instincts told her that if she asked it she wasn’t going to like the answer. That it would be the end of whatever this was, and no matter how much it hurt to think that, the idea of not being with him hurt more.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, softly.

She looked at him and could see genuine concern in his eyes and she felt slightly comforted. Perhaps he did care.

‘I suppose…’ she hesitated. ‘I suppose I care for you a great deal and feel like perhaps had I not pursued you, you would not have shown any interest in me.’

He didn’t deny it, but he stood up and walked around the table, pulling her to her feet and placing his hands on her shoulders.

‘Seven, I understand this is all new for you, but the first thing you need to understand about human emotions is that they’re complicated,’ he spoke calmly, a soft smile on his face. ‘And there is no point worrying about what someone else does or doesn’t think of you. You just need to believe the best in everyone and hope not to be proven wrong.’

She almost opened her mouth to ask if that’s what he had always done with Captain Janeway, but she stopped herself. There was no need to make things awkward again.

Instead she nodded, pulling away from his comforting hands and sitting back down to face her dinner. She felt him watching her as she took a bite of her food.

But all she could concentrate on was the fact that while he had comforted her, he hadn’t actually told her he cared for her either.

 

* * *

 

He went to bed early and she stayed up, reading a psychology book the Doctor had suggested to her.  It was awkward, her needing to regenerate and him needing to sleep for so many hours.

After an hour she found herself drawn to the thing she knew she needed to stop reading, yet couldn’t put down.

For once she hesitated as she picked up the PADD, worried that things were only going to get more confusing if she continued to read.

She began reading again anyway.

 

* * *

_Stardate 51501.4_

_We received communications from Earth today. I have many feelings about the news that it brought. I will begin with my letter._

_I received news that the Maquis were all but wiped out by the Cardassians. If I hadn’t already hated them, I certainly have reason to now. The strangest part is how guilty I feel, as though I should have been there. How am I always absent when the Cardassians wipe out those I care about?_

_It seems unfair, not right._

_But I have been reflecting on it and have tried to tell myself that there is nothing I could have done. It’s strange, because four years ago I would have been so overcome with grief I would have tried to destroy everything around me. I believe B’Elanna is still having that reaction._

_Perhaps there was more truth to the story I once told Kathryn than I realised when I said it. Perhaps she has actually helped me find my inner peace._

_There’s probably another thing keeping me sane in the depths of such sadness, although the guilt I feel for being happy about it will probably sink in at some point._

_Kathryn’s fiancé, Mark, has married another woman. I don’t know why this even matters, we’re so far from home. But I feel like she’s been holding onto the hope of seeing him again this whole time, and now? Now it doesn’t matter if she sees him again._

_Although I believe in reality she let go of him a long time ago, I feel like this was some kind of epilogue for her, a conclusion to a story she wasn’t entirely sure how to say goodbye to._

_I tried to make sure she was okay, I hid from her my own grief to provide her with comfort and it seemed to work until after the party Neelix planned._

_I walked her back to her quarters and strangely she invited me in. And we spoke about it, for hours. About the Maquis, about Mark, about the future, about what happens now._

_And then to my surprise we spoke about us._

_Not around the topic, not with hints or lingering looks and touches, but with actual words. And she told me how she felt guilty at the relief of finding out Mark had moved on. That she had also moved on, despite pretending her hardest that she hadn’t._

_And then I did something I never thought I’d have the courage to do._

_I kissed her._

_And it was everything I had always imagined it to be._

_Perhaps it was the overwhelming feeling of loss, or the knowledge that I would no longer be encroaching on a relationship that had begun long before I entered her life._

_Or perhaps it just felt like the right moment._

_I spent the night in her quarters. Although nothing more than the kiss happened between us, I held her close as we both grieved our own losses, and today everything seemed just a little bit brighter._

_And I want to remember this moment in case it’s the last._

_End Personal Log._

* * *

_Stardate 51799.1_

_I was right to savour that moment, although a part of me now wishes it had never happened. I returned to my quarters last night from the holodeck to find her waiting for me._

_When I arrived she was staring at the floor, clenching her jaw, her arms crossed._

_I knew what this conversation was going to be._

_I was tempted to refuse to let her enter, preferring the ignorance to knowing what she was going to say._

_I have never felt my heart break into so many pieces as I did hearing her say the words._

_‘I can’t.’_

_The worst part is she didn’t say ‘Chakotay I have no feelings for you’ or ‘I think we crossed a line’, she stood in front of me, her arms crossed defensively, tears welling up in her eyes and she said ‘I can’t.’_

_I didn’t respond, suddenly all I felt was anger, and I knew showing that to her was not going to help the situation._

_I guess my silence was enough to drive her away because she didn’t stay to hear my response._

_And the moment she was gone I grabbed my bag and I returned to the holodeck, ordering Tom Paris and Harry Kim out of Captain Proton and activating my boxing program._

_And I beat the crap out of whatever came my way for a good two hours._

_And then I let whatever came for me beat the crap out of me._

_B’Elanna found me there, on the floor of the boxing ring, an hour after her scheduled holodeck time had started and pulled me up off the ground, demanding that I let her take me back to my quarters._

_I didn’t have any fight left in me by that time so I let her._

_Luckily we didn’t cross anyone’s path on our way back._

_I’m not entirely sure I could have explained myself._

_I was tempted not to show up for my shift today, but lucky for me Kathryn didn’t leave her Ready Room._

_I know this is why she refuses to have a relationship, but her being right doesn’t make it hurt any less._

_Perhaps it is time I move on._

_End Personal Log._

* * *

Seven climbed into bed next to him, putting her arm around his waist, for the first time in days happy to feel his warm skin against hers.

‘I am sorry,’ she said quietly, unsure if he was awake.

He turned around to face her, confused. ‘For what?’

‘My misunderstanding of how complicated emotions are,’ she continued.

He smiled and kissed her hand lightly. ‘It takes time to learn these things.’

She nodded.

She wanted to tell him that she was sorry for his heartbreak, but that would mean having to admit to reading the logs she knew were absolutely not for her eyes.

So instead she watched him as he slept, feeling the resentment for Kathryn Janeway slowly building up inside.

She had seen it, she knew the other woman loved Chakotay as much as he did her, so why would she continuously break his heart?

That she couldn’t understand, and she doubted that she would find the answers to that question in his personal log.

But she needed to know.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I mention Unforgettable. I know we all like to pretend it doesn't exist, but I thought it's placement was at an interesting moment and I felt a need to explain it.

* * *

 

_Stardate 51813.4_

_I have written this up and added it at a later day, as I have it handwritten in my quarters:_

_Maybe it would be best, as the Tracer said, to forget about Kellin and the time she spent here. But I don’t want to do that, I want to remember._

_I have felt happy the past few days, genuinely happy, in the company of a woman who seemed to feel the same way about me as I did her. I hadn’t realised what my pining for Kathryn had done to me until Kellin showed up, insisting that she and I had been in love._

_And it was so easy to spend time with her, no complications, no constant pulling away, no refusal to spend time with me in case something accidentally happened between us._

_It was so difficult for me to believe that she might have actually loved me, that I could have had feelings for someone else. I think I was the last person to trust her when she came on board, but once I did, I trusted her completely, and so easily._

_And when she kissed me it seemed familiar and comfortable._

_It’s already starting to fade and I hate that, it’s leaving me with this horrible feeling of heartbreak, knowing that she refused to stay, to fall in love with me again, and that now I will only remember Kathryn's rejection._

_And while I might forget Kellin, I hope I won’t forget this feeling._

_I want to write this to remind myself that love is meant to be a two way street, and when it is, it’s wonderful._

_I hope I can find that again._

_End Personal Log._

* * *

‘Seven?’

She looked up to see a smiling Harry Kim, and slipped the PADD into the small bag she had started carrying with her, mostly to store her secret reading material in. Involuntarily she felt a smiled spread across her lips.

‘Harry Kim, it is a great pleasure to see you,’ she stood up and hugged him.

He seemed surprised and took a moment before hugging her back. She took a step back.

‘My apologies, I have become overly friendly since returning to Earth,’ she commented. ‘I have been observing the behaviours of your people and trying to understand why they behave in such ways.’

‘They're your people too now, Seven! And it’s not a problem, I was just surprised…you’ve never been much of a hugger…’ Harry smiled, looking around. ‘I’m not sure how I feel about all this press though.’

She also glanced around the room. They hadn’t quite been ordered to attend the dinner, but it had been strongly suggested that they show up and Chakotay had insisted to her that it would be fun to dress up and see everyone again.

He seemed to think that her strange moods were caused by her loneliness, rather than her newly discovered information.

She had been rather early, hence reading from the Personal Log, but it seemed others were arriving now.

And at that moment Kathryn Janeway entered, wearing a stunning blue formal gown and a broad smile on her face, commanding the attention of everyone in the room without even trying. 

Seven felt the now familiar panic rising in her. She hated that the woman who had once been her friend now caused such a horrible feeling in her stomach.

Harry seemed to notice something in her and leaned in. ‘Don’t worry, you look great too.’

‘I was not concerned whether or not my appearance is adequate,’ she responded. ‘Such things are unimportant to me.’

It was only partially a lie. She hadn’t thought about how good the Captain looked out of uniform, her jealousy came from a much darker place.

Harry didn’t reply, but she could feel his eyes judging her and she realised hers were glued onto the Captain. Or more to the point, her eyes were glued to the reaction of the person who had walked in behind her.

Seven’s heart froze in her chest as she observed Chakotay’s reaction to seeing Janeway dressed up. His face flushed and she could tell that his breath hitched slightly as she turned to greet him. How had she not seen this before? How had she never noticed that the two of them were more than just friends?

‘Seven?’

She could hear Harry’s voice, but it seemed distant, part of the crowd.

She watched as Janeway reached out, lightly touching his arm. Without knowing what she knew, she wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but suddenly everything flooded back to her. Every time she had seen the two of them together – standing a little too close, holding a touch just a little too long, glancing just a few too many times across the room…

The evidence had all been there.

Seven’s jaw clenched as he leaned in closer to her and whispered something that made both of them laugh as they walked towards the bar.

As the Captain raised her head back up from the laugh her eyes met Seven’s and she froze.

He didn’t notice for a moment, still smiling as he took a couple of extra steps.

But the Captain had seen it, the complete and utter look of jealousy that Seven knew must be on her face.

Suddenly embarrassed she turned back to Harry and laughed.

He looked confused. ‘Are you okay? Do you need me to get the Doctor?’

‘I am fine,’ she responded. ‘Please play along with my laughter.’

He ignored her request.

‘You don’t seem fine, you’re very pale…’

‘My complexion is due to my genetic make-up and not something to be concerned about,’ she muttered. ‘Excuse me, I must find…something…’

She couldn’t even make up an excuse quickly. She hated this irrational emotion and needed a reprieve from it, just for a moment. Then she could come back out and deal with the situation. Somehow. Whatever way presented itself.

Pushing her way through the crowd she found the bathroom and locked herself in a stall.

Tears were welling up in her eyes and she knew that wasn’t ideal, she had worn make-up for the occasion and there were enough people around to notice if she smudged it.

 _Do not cry_.

She commanded herself, over and over.

 _Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry_.

Crying was weak. Crying was so…so…

Human.

She pulled out the PADD in an attempt to distract herself, wishing that she had anything else to read at that moment, but knowing something was better than nothing.

And needing to know if she was ever going to be mentioned.

 

* * *

 

_Stardate 52081.2_

_I’m concerned for Kathryn –_

* * *

Seven almost threw the PADD against the wall. Kathryn. Kathryn. Kathryn.

Everything.

She took a deep breath and looked back down at the PADD.

 

* * *

 

 

_Stardate 52081.2_

_I’m concerned for Kathryn, she will not leave her quarters and won’t allow anyone but myself in to speak with her. I don’t quite understand what happened, but I feel like the void has taken its toll on her more than anyone._

_Almost like she feels the need to take the misery of the entire crew on her shoulders._

_I brought her dinner tonight, afraid she hasn’t been using her Replicator for anything other than coffee, but she would barely speak to me._

_I told her I was worried about her and she laughed, a dark, snide laugh._

_‘I’m not worth worrying about, Chakotay.’_

_I’m not sure that she was telling me, or telling herself that, but I wasn’t having any of it. I placed my hands on her shoulders, demanding her full attention in the hope she might actually hear what I was saying and I told her she is worth worrying about, that the entire crew are worried about her and that everyone just needs to know that she’s okay._

_That I need to know she’s going to be okay._

_I didn’t think she understood, Kathryn Janeway doesn’t hear anything she doesn’t want to hear._

_But as I turn to leave she whispered a thank you._

_And with a few short steps I had my arms around her. I had expected her to pull away. We have never really been the hugging type, I guess the fear that hugging will lead to more is always hanging over us._

_To my surprise she let herself lean into me, her tears flowing freely as she shook against my chest._

_I’m not entirely sure how to fix this, but I know I have to try._

_I can’t stand seeing her like this._

_End Personal Log._

 

* * *

 

 

Seven stormed out of the bathrooms and immediately located the Captain in the crowd. She had too many questions to not start getting some answers.

‘Captain Janeway,’ she said her name sternly as she reached her.

The Captain turned around, forcing a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. ‘Seven…’

‘We need to speak in private,’ Seven demanded.

A couple of eyes turned towards them and the Captain smiled at them calmly, taking Seven’s arm and leading her away from the hordes of people, towards a quiet corner.

She signalled a seat.

Seven took it, the Captain sitting down next to her.

‘Okay, this is as private as we’re going to get,’ Janeway clasped her hands together. ‘I’m not sure what your issue with me is, but go on.’

Suddenly it seemed a lot harder to bring up the topic, and Seven found it impossible to be as angry as she had been a moment earlier.

Surely there was a logical explanation for all of this.

A simple, clear reason.

Well.

There was one...

‘Are you in love with Chakotay?’ Seven asked.

She felt the fear bubbling beneath the surface, afraid to hear the answer she knew was coming.

The Captain’s face sort of melted, like the hardened Starfleet Captain had disappeared into someone else, someone that Seven was seeing for the first time, but whom she suspected Chakotay knew quite well.

This was the Kathryn from his Personal Log.

She took a deep breath before looking up at Seven, and Seven felt the power shift between them, as though the Captain was no longer in charge and they had somehow become equals.

And everything seemed a whole lot less scary at that moment.

The woman in front of her was just a woman, like she was.

‘Yes,’ she replied simply.

Seven was surprised at the relief she felt hearing the admission. She had expected anger, jealousy, but suddenly all she could feel was sympathy for the other woman.

‘But while we were serving on Voyager it wasn’t allowed, and I denied myself that chance and he moved on,’ Janeway said simply, reaching out to take Seven’s hand and squeezing it lightly. ‘He chose you.’

‘Because you turned him down,’ Seven accused her.

Kathryn shook her head. ‘Don’t question it, Seven. Chakotay only loves unconditionally, and the Admiral told me that you two got married in her timeline. This isn't a competition...’

‘Yet you still love him…’ Seven was confused.

She still didn’t understand.

Kathryn smiled.

‘Love isn’t logical,’ she responded quietly. ‘Don’t try and make sense of it.’

Movement in their direction alerted them to company their conversation couldn’t keep. Janeway smiled one last time, letting go of Seven’s hand and standing up.

‘I hope that helps,’ she smiled down at her.

And although Seven felt a little more understanding at that moment, the look Chakotay gave the Captain as she excused herself and stepped back into the crowd was enough to remind her that he hadn’t moved on quite as much as the Captain thought he had.

It was only a few moments before he turned to Seven and smiled, but it was long enough for her hope to fade.

‘A dance?’ he asked, holding out a hand.

She was almost reluctant to accept, but there was something in his smile that she could never resist. It made her feel warm, comforted.

She took his hand and let him lead her onto the dance floor.

The Captain didn’t glance their way once for the rest of the night, as though she was purposely avoiding it, but she lost count of how many times his eyes wandered towards the Captain.

And with that she felt all hope fade away.

This story wasn’t about her, she was the thing in the way, and she had never felt so alone in her life.

 


	6. Chapter 6

She left the dinner early, not entirely sure how to process the information that was becoming so clear to her. She was starting to think that perhaps her relationship with Chakotay was entirely redundant, that she should leave him.

But she was afraid.

She didn’t understand human culture, didn’t know how to get close to anyone else and she felt like she had just ruined the only good friendships that she had.

But the irrational nature of her emotions was enough to make her want out of the relationship. Her time would be better spent helping the people of Earth with their understanding of the Borg, prepare for any future attacks that may occur.

She entered their apartment and stood in the middle of the empty room, looking around. No part of these living quarters were hers, the decorations, the furniture, it all screamed ‘Chakotay’. It wasn’t her home.

And she wondered if he had even noticed her leaving the dinner, or if he was still distracted watching Captain Janeway in her blue dress.

She pulled out the PADD again, for a moment considering discarding it or putting it somewhere he could find it, to remind him of how he had felt.

But she still didn’t have her answer.

 

* * *

 

 

_Stardate 52143.6_

_We made a mistake._

_I don’t even know how it happened. It was like she really wanted to believe that we would be home tomorrow, I didn’t understand why and I kept pushing her. I didn’t expect her answer, although she had ordered me to dinner so maybe I should have._

_The candles had surprised me, the moment she put her hand on my shoulder had surprised me too. We ate dinner mostly in silence and then I asked her:_

_‘Why is it so important to you that this works?’_

_‘I want to get the crew home.’_

_But it was more than that. I knew it was something else. Then I realised the question I should be asking…_

_‘Why did you invite me to dinner tonight?’_

_It took her a few moments to respond, she placed her fork back on the table and looked up at me, her entire concentration focused on me, like I was the only thing in the universe. I’ve never felt so much like someone was looking straight through me in my life._

_‘I’m so alone, Chakotay. I don’t want to be alone anymore.’_

_‘I see.’_

_I didn’t know what else to say. She’s never forward with me, she’s always been the one pushing me away, and here she was cooking me dinner and giving me alcohol. Insisting I couldn’t leave until we’d had dessert…_

_‘I want you to know that if we get home tomorrow, I won’t be your Captain anymore…’_

_Then I understood. And I stopped thinking. I walked around the table, pulled her to her feet and kissed her passionately, and without a moment’s hesitation she kissed me back. Before I even comprehended what we were doing it was too late, I was naked in her bed and we were entangled in every possible physical and emotional way and it was amazing in every respect._

_And then when I woke she was watching me, smiling but concerned._

_‘Do you think we’ll make it?’_

_And I don’t know if she was talking about making it home or us, but either way my answer was the same._

_‘I hope so.’_

_I went to her Ready Room after the slipstream failed, I wanted to check she was okay. Clearly she wasn’t, but she pretended to be fine._

_She didn’t invite me to her quarters for dinner tonight and I let it go._

_I don’t expect anything to happen again any time soon, but I’m not going to bring up the topic again because just thinking about hearing her say ‘I can’t’ to me again is enough to break my heart._

_So I guess we’ll go on pretending nothing ever happened._

_We’re good at that, aren’t we?_

_It’s probably best that I stop writing in here, stop lamenting a relationship that’s never going to happen._

_But in case this is my last entry, I want this log as a record of how much I love Kathryn Janeway, and I want her to know that she’ll always be my one, even if I eventually decide to move on, she’ll always be in my heart and I’ll never be able to let her go._

_End Personal Log._

* * *

 

 

‘Seven?’

She looked up from her PADD to see Chakotay standing in the doorway, his arms crossed. She narrowed her eyes, observing him.

‘You are mad…’ she commented.

‘You left me at the dinner without saying a word,’ he removed his jacket, throwing it over the back of the chair as he did so.

She couldn’t remember ever seeing him this angry over something so minor. Or perhaps she has misunderstood the situation.

‘I was tired and wanted to be alone,’ she lied.

He didn’t buy it, taking a step forward. ‘Tell me what’s going on with you. I know something is wrong and this relationship is never going to work if you’re hiding things from me.’

‘Perhaps I am not the only one hiding things,’ she observed, standing up and raising her voice slightly.

‘Excuse me?’ he asked, surprised at the accusation. ‘I don’t hide anything from you, Seven. Ask me anything and I’ll tell you the truth.’

‘What if I told you that I loved you?’ she asked in response. ‘What would you say?’

‘We had this conversation,’ he sighed loudly as he spoke. ‘And I told you the honest truth.’

Seven observed him, observed the exhausted look on his face, the irritation at this line of questioning that he had invited.

And then she remembered the way he had looked at the Captain and her heart ached. He didn’t see her at all the same way that he saw the Captain. He never looked at her that way.

He could never love her because he was already in love with someone else.

‘What if she told you that she loved you?’

The silence was deafening.

She hadn’t even mentioned any names, but judging by the panic in his eyes, she knew he knew exactly who she was referring to.

He sat down on the sofa, leaning back and rubbing his eyes with his hand for a moment, as though he was exhausted.

‘Seven, I don’t know what you’re talking about…I’m not seeing anyone but you,’ he replied finally.

But the pause had been too long.

Her question had been answered.

‘My question is why you chose me,’ she stood in front of him as she said it. ‘But I can see you don’t want to answer that.’

His eyes fell on the PADD in her hand and she saw a moment of recognition, followed by a flash of anger.

He snatched the PADD from her, standing up as he did so, turning it on to see the log she had just been reading.

She took a step back, expecting some kind of emotional or violent outburst from him, but instead she watched his face melt into some kind of confusion as he read his own words on the page, sinking slowly back down onto the sofa.

‘I am sorry, I know I should not have read it, I picked it up by accident and then I needed to know why you chose me…’ Seven hurriedly tried to explain.

Chakotay didn’t respond, his eyes glued to his Personal Log, and she could see the heartbreak in his eyes as he read the words.

Suddenly feeling for him, she took a seat next to him and touched his arm lightly.

‘Chakotay, I’m sorry,’ she tried again. ‘But if you love her, why are you with me?’

After a few moments he looked up at her, and she could see the tears forming in his eyes. She wanted to hug him, but she could see he was still mad at her.

‘You should not have read this,’ he said carefully, his voice shaking as he said it. ‘But if you want to know the answer to your question, read this.’

He handed it back to her. He’d skipped a few logs.

She watched him for a moment, feeling like she had betrayed him, feeling guilty and horrible and wanting him to understand that she knew she was doing the wrong thing but she felt the need to analyse the data…

‘It’s okay,’ he said quietly. ‘If we’re going to be truthful with each other, this is part of my truth and I want you to understand.’

 

* * *

 

_Stardate 54391.3_

_I can’t write too many details of what happened today, thanks to the Temporal Prime Directive, but I made an observation. I spent a great deal of time with the Kathryn Janeway I first met, one who hadn’t even met me yet, and it reminded me how much our relationship has changed._

_This version of Kathryn even asked me how close we actually got._

_I lied to her, sort of, told her that there were some barriers we never crossed, and while that’s true, she probably understood it as physical barriers when I meant it as relationship ones. The disappointment on her face surprised me._

_I realised that the way this version of Kathryn looked at me has become unfamiliar, she doesn’t look at me that way anymore._

_And it reminded me of how close we have become, but how far away she keeps me._

_I blame a day of stress and a second bottle of Antarian cider for what happened next._

_We had a nice dinner, she tried to get information out of me about what happened that day and I told her that I couldn’t tell her. She made sure I knew there were some things that I don’t know about and after we were well and truly too drunk for a Captain and First Officer I said I was returning to my quarters. She wished me goodnight and then I did the stupidest thing I could have done._

_I grabbed her hand as she went to open the door, preventing her from doing so, and I told her that I loved her._

_From the panicked look in her face, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear._

_And she gave me the same old line about protocol._

_And I gave her the same old line about not caring about protocol._

_And she told me sternly never to bring it up again, pulling her hand away from mine and opening the door before anything else could happen._

_If I thought she had broken my heart before I was wrong._

_I haven’t yet been able to sleep, I’m simply lying here in my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to push away the torturous pain in my chest that seems to be spreading to every other part of my body._

_Because now I know for sure._

_Kathryn Janeway has never loved me._

_And god that hurts so much more than thinking she was just following protocol._

_And for the first time in my life I wish I had never met her._

_End Personal Log._

* * *

 

 

Seven subconsciously pressed the button to go to the next log but there was no next log. She looked up at Chakotay and could see the hurt in his eyes.

‘I am sorry,’ Seven said quietly.

He took a deep breath and leaned back. ‘By the time you asked me out, I was ready to move on. She’s not your competition.’

‘You’re wrong about that,’ she replied.

He looked at her, confused.

Seven hesitated, it wasn’t her news to tell him, but then she also didn’t want him to spend the rest of his life thinking the woman he loved so deeply didn’t feel the same.

‘About what?’ he asked after a few moments.

‘I do not think we are suited to each other,’ Seven said carefully. ‘You do not love me and I do not know who I am anymore. Perhaps had we stayed on Voyager things might have worked out for us, but here on Earth things are different. I am different. You are different. Captain Janeway is different.’

‘If you’re leaving me because of this, Seven, then…’

She shook her head. ‘I’m leaving you because she loves you and I have seen the way you still look at her. I’m leaving you because you and I will never have that relationship, but you and her still can. I don’t want to be second choice and I don’t want you to settle for someone you are less suited to.’

‘She doesn’t love me,’ he said, the heartbreak evident in his voice.

‘Chakotay,’ Seven said quietly. ‘She told me that she does.’

He seemed surprised. ‘When?’

‘About two hours ago.’

He was silent, unsure what to say. She reached up and touched his face lightly, then kissed his lips lightly, for the last time.

‘Goodbye, Chakotay,’ she said, standing up and handing the PADD back to him.

He stood up as well. ‘Where are you going to stay?’

‘I will find somewhere,’ she replied. ‘I have a whole crew of Voyager who I consider family. There’s no need to worry about me. I wish you well.’

She didn’t bother to grab her belongings, simply walking out his door, tears in her eyes. This was the right thing to do, for all of them, she knew that, but it didn’t mean it hurt her any less.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! I had a miserable couple of weeks and didn't feel much like writing the ending that this fic deserved. Thank you all so much for your reviews and kudos <3

 

Chakotay hadn’t expected the night to go that way, and for an hour after Seven left his apartment he sat in silence on his sofa, staring at the ceiling and wondering how it had come to this.

And then he felt a wave of anger – at himself for leaving out the PADD, at Kathryn for preventing him from finding love anywhere else, at Seven for making assumptions about his feelings…

But then, she had been right, hadn’t she?

Everything she had said was true.

If Kathryn walked in at that moment and told him she loved him, he wouldn’t hesitate to say it back. No matter how much he had tried to convince himself otherwise, he was never going to love anyone else. He had never loved anyone else.

He couldn’t love anyone else.

Had she really told Seven that she loved him? He couldn’t imagine her admitting it to anyone, let alone to the person he was seeing…

He poured himself a glass of wine and found his way to the kitchen table, PADD in hand and took a seat.

He began reading the entries.

A part of his heart ached as he realised that Seven had been reading through these and he wondered how she had held it together so long, because he wasn’t sure he could hold it together long enough to read more than three of the logs.

But that was all he needed.

Putting the PADD down he realised that Kathryn’s behaviour had never been of someone who didn’t love him, but of someone who loved him and wasn’t allowed to.

Grabbing his jacket and left his half empty glass of wine sitting alone on the table and headed out.

 

* * *

 

 

Kathryn Janeway was surprised to see Chakotay standing at her door, his hair indicated that it was raining and he’d walked there, and she couldn’t read the look on his face.

Given her earlier conversation with Seven she had a sinking feeling about why he was there.

And she hated that the sinking feeling was accompanied by a slight spark of hope, one that seemed to be lighting its way through the heartbreak that had been her constant companion since they had returned to Earth.

She hadn’t wanted to admit it to anyone because that would mean admitting it to herself, but when Seven had asked her outright if she loved him she hadn’t had any other way to respond.

No one had ever asked her before.

And she was a terrible liar.

‘Did you come here for a reason or were you just planning to stand in my doorway all night?’ she joked, stepping aside to let him in. ‘I imagine you aren’t looking for coffee, but I think I have some herbal tea lying around if you’re interested?’

‘Herbal tea sounds great,’ he said quietly.

There it was. The something in his voice that always indicated that he was there for a reason that was more than just friendship.

And she felt a slight tinge of red soak her cheeks as she headed into the kitchen and hoped he didn’t see it.

A silence hung between them as she made them both tea and when she came back he was standing at the window, looking out over San Francisco.

‘It’s strange, I know,’ she said as she handed him the tea. ‘I still expect to see stars outside.’

‘Is that why you haven’t decorated yet?’ he asked, smiling to himself as he took a sip. ‘Not planning to stay here long?’

She laughed slightly.

Of course he had picked up on the fact she had intentionally not made herself too at home. After all, he could always see straight through her.

‘If you’re itching to get out of San Francisco, I was intending to visit my sister next week…’ he started.

She was surprised at the invitation, as far as she knew his sister and her family were all he had left. An invitation to go and visit them seemed fairly forward for a taken man.

‘Wouldn’t Seven find that a little out of line?’ she felt the words come out of her mouth before she couldn’t think them through.

‘We broke up about an hour ago,’ he whispered.

An hour ago?

She raised an eyebrow as she turned to look at him. ‘And you came here…’

‘I didn’t know where else to go,’ he sighed and turned to her. ‘And she told me something I couldn’t ignore.’

‘Oh?’

Kathryn had a sneaking suspicion she knew what Seven had told him and she felt the guilt start to take over.

To her surprise he pulled out a PADD from his bag. She frowned in confusion.

‘It’s my personal log,’ he smiled as he said it. ‘She found it and read it and since she left I’ve been flicking through the logs and realised they’re all about you.’

She felt her heart pounding louder and louder inside her ears as she froze in her place. Trying to distract herself she lifted her tea to her mouth and took another sip, taking her time to formulate a response.

And to calm herself down.

‘That would explain why she cornered me earlier tonight,’ she spoke carefully.

He held the PADD out to her and she looked at him in surprise.

‘Chakotay, I can’t read that…’ she whispered.

‘Just read the last one. I hid it from Seven earlier, but I need you to understand why…’ he trailed off but she understood.

Taking the PADD she switched it on.

 

* * *

 

 

_Stardate 54973.4_

_I feel stuck. I hadn’t expected any of this. First about two weeks ago, Seven showed up at my quarters with a strange request. She wanted to have dinner. I hadn’t been sure what to expect, but a candlelit dinner wasn’t exactly it._

_Sure, Kathryn and I have candlelit dinners all the time, but somehow this felt different, more like she was trying to tell me something. I asked her if it was a date and she said yes, if that was alright by me._

_It felt nice, being wanted, so I went with it. And if I’m honest I’ve gotten rather caught up in having something new, having someone to smile at, someone who actually smiles back at me…_

* * *

 

Kathryn looked up at him. ‘Chakotay, I’m not sure I want to read this…’

‘Please…’ he spoke quietly.

She glanced back down at his words.

* * *

 

_…but suddenly the prospect of going home has become very real and that adds another complication._

_My decision to allow myself a relationship with Seven was based on the knowledge that we could have another 60 years on this ship, and 60 years of being alone, being in love with a woman who won’t allow anything to happen between us seemed so daunting._

_But if we’re home in a matter of days that changes things._

_I’ve already been dreading talking to Kathryn about my new relationship, but now I fear that conversation may be the last we ever have, and I’m not sure I’m okay with that. If it’s a choice on who I get to keep in my life forever it’s an easy one._

_But it may not be my choice to make._

_I do enjoy Seven’s company, I guess I have developed feelings for her, but it’s entirely different._

_She’s not the love of my life and even now she’s not my first thought when I wake up in the morning. I guess I have hope that she could be those things, but then part of me wonders if I need to hold onto that hope now._

_I want to walk into Kathryn’s quarters and give her one more chance to tell me how she feels. I guess I feel guilty for moving on, despite how many times she’s turned me down and I want her to know that no matter who I end up with, I always wanted it to be her, I will always want it to be her._

_I just need her to understand that she’s everything to me. She is my reason for getting up, she is the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep. I know getting home is the most important thing in the galaxy for her, but she is the most important thing in the galaxy for me._

_I love her with every part of my soul, my spirit, my heart._

_And I don’t want her to think otherwise._

_But I guess it’s a conversation for after we get home._

_For now I will simply have to live with the guilt of not being entirely honest with either her or Seven. But I will be, once this is all over._

_I promise._

_End Personal Log._

 

* * *

 

 

She raised her watery eyes to look at his soft smile, unable to find the words to respond. He silently took the PADD back from her and turned it off.

‘Was your whole personal log like this?’ she asked after a few moments.

He laughed and nodded his head. ‘Unfortunately yes…’

They were silent for a few moments, and despite the fact she had never wanted to kiss someone so much in her life she refrained. As did he.

It didn’t seem right to even be having this conversation so soon after things had ended with Seven, let alone to be acting on it, but the tension hung in the air between them nonetheless.

‘I would love to come with you to visit your sister,’ she said quietly. ‘But perhaps we need to take a little time to get to know each other, as Kathryn and Chakotay, not as Captain and Commander.’

He nodded, reaching out and softly taking her hand. ‘I’ve waited this long, I can wait a little longer.’

The physical contact was almost too much for her to resist but she managed to simply wrap her fingers through his and squeeze his hand lightly.

‘Chakotay?’ she said quietly.

‘Hmm?’ he responded.

‘I’m sorry if I hurt you,’ she whispered. ‘I couldn’t handle how I felt for you, you had the ability to get inside the darkest parts of my soul and break it to pieces if anything happened to you and I couldn’t have that happen while I was Captain.’

‘I know,’ he squeezed her hand back.

 

* * *

 

Seven stood outside the address that the Doctor had supplied her with. It was warm and sunny outside and she liked the feeling against her skin. It was unfamiliar to her, but enjoyable.

The door of the house opened and a happy older woman stepped out, arms held out wide.

‘Annika! I can’t believe it’s you.’

The woman ran for her and hugged her. Seven was slightly taken aback, but after a few moments she smiled and returned the hug.

‘Irene, it is a pleasure to meet you,’ she said.

‘Come in, come in, I have a huge meal prepared for you! I cooked all of your parents’ favourite foods so you can try them,’ Irene grabbed her bag and helped her up the stairs.

Seven stood for a moment, enjoying the sunshine and suddenly feeling a whole lot less alone.

Yes.

This was how life was meant to feel.

As she followed her aunt up the stairs she let her mind travel back to Chakotay and the Captain. She hoped he had gone to her; that they had found each other. She didn’t want them to continue to be miserable.

She could already feel her heartbreak healing and knew that whatever was between her and Chakotay was meant for another timeline.

In this timeline she simply wanted him to be happy.

And she felt like this way they would all be happier.

 


End file.
